Self-esteem and female sexuality

Self-esteem counts in bed. It is well known that confidence is one of the most important game-changers in life. No matter what the situation is if you have a go-getter attitude you are bound to have better results (other's attitude towards you as well as your own feelings of fulfillment) than if you're feeling unsure of yourself. 

Let's start by saying that self-esteem refers to one's level of satisfaction with oneself. Sexual self-acceptance refers to feeling comfortable with one's body as a sexually responsive organism. Sexuality is an important part of one’s identity, yet people often struggle feeling comfortable or expressing their true selves in it.

No matter our age or gender, it seems we all go through moments of feeling self-conscious or concerned when it comes to anything related to sexuality, whether it's in situations shared with other people or simply referring to the view of our own sexuality.

While the way a person experiences their sexuality is unique to the individual, there are many ways that people struggle when it comes to their sexuality that is highly common but rarely talked about, and it is probably more difficult for women than men, due to the continuing expression of sexism or inequality of sexes in certain parts of the world. 

The pressure of perfection or the desire to be perfect influences our self-esteem. Social media, for instance, exacerbate women´s already doubtful self-image, with the enormous amount of opinions and critical comments on what a woman's body should look like. 

Whatever a person’s sexual desires and preferences may be, there are a lot of complicated feelings about sex that often have to do with learned attitudes and emotions around wanting, and what it is considered acceptable or not. 

Some researchers have said that there’s a link between sexual dysfunctions and low confidence. Additionally, another study showed that a significant percentage of women (but not men) who engage in casual sex have low self-esteem.

This behavior could be related to the fear of rejection or fear of abandonment; an expected feeling in people with low self-worth.  

Feelings around one’s sexuality can range from dissatisfaction to discomfort, insecurity to shame, and are often rooted in negative past experiences. However, we can transform difficult experiences into knowledge and convert a bad moment into a key to achieve our full potential.

Therapy is a good option to work on your self-esteem. It is pretty normal to feel restless and nervous before having sex, especially when it's your first time with someone. Confidence makes us work better in every aspect of life, and a lack of it can strip away the enjoyment and replace it with anxiety and/or fear. We should embrace our insecurities, they make us unique and human. 

  • Build positive relationships and avoid negative ones. Sometimes, we are surrounded by people that make us feel more insecure about who we are. It's best to stay clear of those people
  • Work on any feelings of shame (about your appearance, beliefs, etc.).
  • Become more assertive and learn to say no. As previously mentioned, some people with low confidence try to fill insecurities with casual sex, which ends up causing more empty feelings
  • Be clear about what the sexual encounter means to everyone involved. Whether it is casual or serious, keep your expectations clear
  • Focus on pleasure and not performance (leave aside any concerns about "sizes", duration of intercourse, having to enact a certain role according to social norms, etc.)
  • Be ready to act appropriately when things don’t go as planned. A way to face awkward situations is using humor
  • Remember that fears do not necessarily represent reality and it is OK to make mistakes
  • Be accepting of others just as you expect them to be accepting of you. This helps increase each other´s self-esteem thus promoting healthier relationships and sexual encounters.

Self-recognition is the first step before you can fully accept others. If you improve your confidence, you improve your sex life. 

Work on your self-esteem and then you will build better relationships, the ones you know you are worth having, and you will take your sex life to the next level as you will be more focused on pleasure and not on what others think of you or how you should behave during sex to feel desired. 

Remember: Being yourself and expressing your true self is the sexiest thing ever.

Contact me if you feel like we can work together on your path to be more confident.

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